loup garou

the daily problems of my eating disorder;

I am writing down all the issues i’ve found on edsdailyproblems that i recognize. I’m not reblogging anything from them because i personal think their blog is shit for numerous reasons. This is not a list for anyone but myself, it’s not for attention. I’m currently in recovery and reading this list on hard days makes me remember why i decided to recover in the first place.

People joking about eating disorders and being to ashamed to say anything.
Never knowing when the laxatives kick in.
Weigh-ins.
Realizing you lost everyone because you pushed them away to be with your eating disorder.
Purging or laxatives that decide to work in public restrooms when people walk in.
Figuring out how many dishes you need to make look dirty to convince your parents you ate while they were out.
Numerous meltdowns because your parent called you for diner.
Feeling sick to your stomach after eating something small.
Not being able to sleep at night because your knees are so knobby they hurt to touch.
Over-thinking and feeling worthless after eating anything.
Crying in front of the mirror.
Trying on a million outfits every morning.
Not knowing what to say when people ask you why you’re crying at the dinner table.
It looks like there’s more hair in your shower drain and on your brush than there is on your head.
The panic that spreads through you when you just binged and you realize you can’t purge it like you thought.
Headaches.
Cutting yourself as punishment for so much as thinking of eating.
Not being able to eat anything unless you know the amount of calories they hold.
Spending hours food shopping just to buy the lowest calorie versions available or foods that are ‘safe enough’.
Meeting friends at meal times and try convince them you already ate at home. The look in their eyes, they know you’re lying.
Never being happy with what you see.
Always wearing and buying clothes that hide your figure.
Never reaching your goal weight.
Bruising easily.
When your friends stay the night and want breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you can’t even stand the thought of all that food.
Measuring the gap between your thighs.
Finally feel comfortable with your body for once, and someone comments on the fact that you are eating and ruins it all.
Waiting for everyone to go to sleep so you can eat in private without being judged, then hating yourself after you eat too much because nobody is watching.
Eating the smallest thing and feeling horrible and fat.
Either over eating or not eating anything.
Lying to everyone about being ‘recovered’.
Being scared that you’re too fat to ‘deserve’ or ‘need’ help.
If you add calorie counting, slicing food, taking forever to eat, binging, purging, going to the gym, and wringing your hands with anxiety, i spend more time with my eating disorder than i do with real people.
Getting so dizzy when you stand up that everything goes black and you can’t do anything about it.
Being afraid to drink water because of the possible weight gain.
Getting drunk too quickly.
Having a bad urge to binge but your family is home.
Only being able to sit on something with a cushion because your bones hurt too much otherwise.
Waking up incredibly thirsty but you can’t drink until you weigh yourself.
You avoid sleeping over a friends house because you know they will try to feed you breakfast with more calories than you eat in a day.
When sometimes even the smell of food makes you sick to your stomach.
Being to weak and tired to get out of bed.
Realizing you don’t own any clothing that doesn’t make you feel fat.
Panicking when you go on vacation and you don’t have access to a scale.
Worrying if you’re too heavy for someone when you’re sitting on their lap.
Breaking down when your mom hid the scale.
Crying alone in the bathroom at every holiday.
Hair falling out.
Telling that one person you trust, then they don’t believe you because you aren’t “skinny enough”.
Walking up the stairs is painful every day.
Thinking that you’re not being sick enough to ask for help, because they’d just laugh at you.
Watching the numbers go down, but the girl in the mirror never shrinks.
Freaking out when your partner wants to have sex with the lights on.
Not knowing whether it’s you or your eating disorder talking.
Anxiety keeping you up all night.
Measuring what you eat by how much you have to exercise later.
Trying to choose the lowest-calorie option from a restaurant’s menu.
Being embarrassed when someone grabs your waist or stomach because all you can think about is the fat they must be feeling.
Having your metabolism ruined even after you start eating again.
Having no family support.
The number on the scale determines your mood for the day, as well as how much food you can eat.
Hiding all the food you throw away because you’re scared to eat it or it’s what you chewed and spit away.
Not being able to eat something in a normal way; you eat slow, or you only eat the inside, or only the outside.. or only the chocolate on top of the cookie.
Having to write down everything you eat.
Having to delete your browsing history and put a password on everything so no one will find your eating disordered files, if they would ever look for it.
Watching little kids play and slowly becoming more and more jealous of how skinny they are.
Being paranoid about everything, such as being convinced your mum puts extra calories in your food.
Searching up and down the kitchen for ‘safe food’.. eventually, nothing is safe enough.
“No one can be perfect.”
Wishing for once people could see your body the way you see it because maybe then they would understand you’re not doing it for attention.
Feeling sick and depressed all the time.
Seeing numbers, not food. 110 calories, not a banana.
Punching yourself in the stomach as punishment because it just isn’t small enough.
Covering all your mirrors in an anxious mood, ripping everything off one hour later because you have to check your body.
Feeling miserable after eating so much and knowing there’s no way to purge it without being caught.
Fuck reality and statistics: everywhere there are only skinnier girls than you.
Hating your friends because they’re skinnier than you.
Not being able to live alone because you won’t eat at all.
That awkward moment when someone comes over and sees you have no food in your home.
Doing your exercises twice because you did them “wrong” the first time.
Having to pretend you don’t want what used to be your favorite food.
Family trying to make you eat.
Hiding from food by sleeping all the time.
Forcing your body to work out until you can’t move anymore because you’re too weak.
Eating disorders and people with eating disorders everywhere.
Being to scared to leave your house because you’re scared of people thinking you’re fat.
Waking up in the middle of the night because you’re hungry.
Being constantly dissapointed by the number on the scale.
Waking up and having to do it all over again.
The cognitive dissonance of thinking you’re hideous, but having people tell you otherwise, making you feel bat shit insane and ridiculous.
Cutting yourself because you ate.
…

loup garou

the daily problems of my eating disorder;

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